iLike
Sometimes I feel like I’m collapsing into myself. What’s the word for that? Imploding? Maybe not. But collapsing is not a violent enough word for me. I like how hot the sun is, and when you walk inside during the summer the A/C hits you but your skin is still warm and cozy. I like the smell of chlorine after a long summer day at the pool, and when I get home having to massage my neck to rub out the crick from turning my head away from the skeezy guy staring at me across the pool. I like that stinging on your skin when you get sunburned and then at night you get cold so you put on a sweatshirt and ball up into some blankets to remind yourself of the safety of the womb. I like coming home for dinner wearing nothing but a swimsuit, with a stomach already half full from the ice cream truck. I like running outside on the asphalt barefoot, letting the evil heat singe the first layer of my skin, begging me to wear shoes. I like getting that anxious feeling that coffee gives me, permitting me to stay on my toes in case the devil whips around again. Maybe we can catch him this time. I like going to bed knowing I’ve been deprived of sleep, so that way I won’t be disturbed by an incessant restlessness threatening to ruin the next day for me…knowing I’ve been deprived of sleep allows me to know that when I hit the pillow I will feel instant relief from the chase of my day, and my brain will welcome sleep warmly instead of angrily pushing it aside. I like how the day after I go to the pool I can still smell the chlorine on my knuckles, and even the gentlest sniff calms me to a great degree. I like being hoisted onto the bridge covering the gap over the moldy, polluted lake, ignoring the screams of the tree frogs in the dead of night and passionate kissing on a metal beam not meant for sitting. I like living in the memory of living in the moment, for once just doing instead of thinking, and allowing that instance to beam a glimmer of hope for future happiness. I like how I can still surprise myself, and just allow the reality of the moment to sink in and absorb me instead of instantly switching to panic mode. I like how this is something I’ve never realized I was capable of being. I like how I’ve learned more about myself this summer then I did all year long at college. I like how I somehow find that amusing, despite the bitter consequences that ride with it. I like summertime.
